Recently, I received an email from a parent regarding the controversy in keeping score versus not keeping score in youth athletics.
To summarize, several times during the season for our recreational youth soccer team we have been asked to make adjustments--to even the playing level when our team is winning by many goals. The following email from a parent raises some interesting points on this issue:
Kim,
When I saw an assist at the last game I thought it was so awesome. I think I cheered for that girl (can't remember who) more than the one who scored! I am quite pleased with the coaching that the four of you do. (I left this paragraph here because I want readers to see what a wonderful group of parents I'm dealing with. Yes, there are a lot of great sports parents out there. Also, I soooo appreciate the compliment.)
Question...are you saying that the team has been asked to play with one less player for the rest of the season? We already have four sitting out. And, although I know that some girls rather like to sit out, especially on hot days, others probably do not. I understand the girls needing a break, or rest, and the substitutions that take place. I think you have been fair with who you play, when and where. However, I do not feel that it is fair that you have been asked to have one less player on the field during a game. It is not fair because we all paid for our daughters to participate: to learn the sport, how to play, the skills, the rules, sportsmanship and teamwork; to practice; and, to play during game time...not to sit on the side-line. Let the other team(s) play with an extra player.
I thought that Olentangy Youth Athletic Association was about playing the game, participating, and not about keeping score. Obviously, someone has been keeping score. Someone's feelings have been hurt. Why is it so bad that someone's feelings are hurt? Hurt is a part of life and as parents and coaches we can influence our children how to get past the hurt. By asking you to play with one less player, I believe that we (OYAA) are telling the 'hurt person' (for lack of a better person to refer to) and the other team(s) that if things are not going well for them, then they can ask/tell someone else to make a sacrifice so that they can feel better. What is that teaching our children? The easy way out? It is someone else's fault? I can change the rules to please me? I don't have to try harder, practice more, or do my best? I can't win if we play fair so you need to give me...a head start, an extra shot, more time...? And for the child who has to sit out because of the request, what is it saying to her? What is it saying to her team? It is not fair, I should be playing? Why do I have to sit out? What about...? How come they have more players? It must be okay to change rules to games? I am better so I can boss people around? I am inferior so I can tell people what to do? If things don't go my way someone else will have to pay the price? Are we telling them that playing well and scoring goals means nothing? Are we telling them that playing well, scoring goals and winning is not good? Are we conveying that doing a good job can have a negative consequence? Are we telling them that scoring goals is unfortunate??
Do you understand what I am trying to say?
At first, a few years ago, when I became familiar with the 'no keeping score' rule I thought it sounded like a good idea...in that playing was all about the game, participating in the sport. However I have since realized that players, and/or parents, often keep score. We are a competitive nation. The kids usually know if they win or lose and it is supposed to be no big deal either way, right?
Winning or losing is a big deal to some (or you would not have been asked to play with one less player). How are we going to teach our children to face loss, to be a good looser, to be a good winner, to demonstrate good sportsmanship, and so on... when score is not a part of the game?
OYAA sports are team sports, each player counts. Teamwork is essential, and individual effort is encouraged.
I played softball from the age of 9 years until my early 20s. When I was too old to play on the HGSA team any longer, I was asked to coach (as were many of my team mates) the younger girls in the league. So, I took a coaching course during college, and coached one season. Back then we kept score. My team did not win a single game. My girls learned how to handle loss. The other teams were nice and cheered for us for playing a good game. We did likewise. We never came away with long faces. We always played our best as a team and as individuals and we knew that and we celebrated who we were..... Keeping score helped us to realize that a loss does not mean that we were losers. We were winners. (I did not return to coaching the following season because I was working my way through college! I returned to coaching, fastpitch, two years ago.)
Kim, I am sorry; I don't really know why I felt compelled to share this with you. I guess I wanted to give you some background as to why I think that asking you to have a player sit seems to be against what OYAA is all about. Plus, I believe that you care. (I do care, and so do all of our coaches!)
Thanks, I hope that you understand.
These are great points. I encourage all of you to post comments with suggestions on how to responsibly handle these situations.
Kim
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Pressure for Sports-parents...
Responsibly guiding your child athlete is hard work. I'm blogging on sports-parenting, and now I feel the pressure to be a "perfect parent." While interviewing former high-level athletes regarding their own children, I'm learning some amazing tips for responsible sports-parenting. It's important for me to implement some of these tips with my own children.
For the first time in a while, I'm coaching third and fourth grade girls in a recreational soccer league. As a parent and as a coach, I tried really hard in our first game to 1) make it fun, 2)encourage the girls to work hard, and 3) seek for improvement/progress for each and every girl, at all skill levels.
I'm quite pleased to report that all three of my goals were met. Not only did the girls work hard, they each have progressed from practice into a game situation with many improvements. I'm not sure the girls even realized that they are now passing the ball, staying in position, and scoring goals as a result. It took a lot of hard work in practices, and I believe they were and are having fun. I think it's fun for the girls to feel a sense of personal accomplishment in just knowing that they are improving.
On the other hand, the coaches on the other team clearly did not have the same goals as our team. Like many of you, the coaches were parent-coaches. What I heard on the sideline from these parent-coaches was unacceptable. These coaches expressed in front of their own team that they were highly disappointed with the girls' performances. Additionally, these coaches were trying to intimidate the youth refs, and that was completely unfair.
I talked with my assistant coaches about this, and we all agreed that when we saw the girls do something wrong on the field, we noted it to ourselves to work on those points in practice. We believe in encouraging the girls to bring out the best in each of them. If what we're doing is not working, we look to approach an issue from another angle. For example, if the girls don't seem to be paying attention to a certain drill, we sometimes try to make a fun game out of a drill. This sometimes gets their attention better.
The most amazing part of our first game of the season was seeing our weakest player try her hardest and succeed in stopping a ball and passing it. Not only were we surprised as coaches to see this progress over just several weeks of practices, but suddenly at the end of the game, the girl asked us to borrow some equipment so she could practice more at home. I was shocked because I really didn't think she was very interested in soccer.
Sure, I felt pressure to be "responsibly coaching," but the pressure was worth it to see a group of very happy soccer players who deserve a pat on the back. Good job Tigers!!!
For the first time in a while, I'm coaching third and fourth grade girls in a recreational soccer league. As a parent and as a coach, I tried really hard in our first game to 1) make it fun, 2)encourage the girls to work hard, and 3) seek for improvement/progress for each and every girl, at all skill levels.
I'm quite pleased to report that all three of my goals were met. Not only did the girls work hard, they each have progressed from practice into a game situation with many improvements. I'm not sure the girls even realized that they are now passing the ball, staying in position, and scoring goals as a result. It took a lot of hard work in practices, and I believe they were and are having fun. I think it's fun for the girls to feel a sense of personal accomplishment in just knowing that they are improving.
On the other hand, the coaches on the other team clearly did not have the same goals as our team. Like many of you, the coaches were parent-coaches. What I heard on the sideline from these parent-coaches was unacceptable. These coaches expressed in front of their own team that they were highly disappointed with the girls' performances. Additionally, these coaches were trying to intimidate the youth refs, and that was completely unfair.
I talked with my assistant coaches about this, and we all agreed that when we saw the girls do something wrong on the field, we noted it to ourselves to work on those points in practice. We believe in encouraging the girls to bring out the best in each of them. If what we're doing is not working, we look to approach an issue from another angle. For example, if the girls don't seem to be paying attention to a certain drill, we sometimes try to make a fun game out of a drill. This sometimes gets their attention better.
The most amazing part of our first game of the season was seeing our weakest player try her hardest and succeed in stopping a ball and passing it. Not only were we surprised as coaches to see this progress over just several weeks of practices, but suddenly at the end of the game, the girl asked us to borrow some equipment so she could practice more at home. I was shocked because I really didn't think she was very interested in soccer.
Sure, I felt pressure to be "responsibly coaching," but the pressure was worth it to see a group of very happy soccer players who deserve a pat on the back. Good job Tigers!!!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
How Should Sports Parents Behave as Fans?
Recently a parent asked me about the behavior of another parent during a youth lacrosse game. The parent was excessively yelling at a child on the opposing team to quit hitting. Now let me point out that the referee was not calling penalties for these hits. Lacrosse is a rough game and certain hits are allowed. These particular hits must have been legal.
The mother of the child who was getting yelled at was beside herself with concern. She didn't want her child to be hitting illegally, so she asked the other fans if these hits were clean. The general consensus was that they were clean.
This mother asked me what she should have done--approach the yelling fan or walk away?
In my opinion, this guy most likely wanted a confrontation. I advised the mom to walk as far away from him as she could. There are no benefits to getting into an argument with him.
If she did choose to argue with him, what good what it do?
The mother of the child who was getting yelled at was beside herself with concern. She didn't want her child to be hitting illegally, so she asked the other fans if these hits were clean. The general consensus was that they were clean.
This mother asked me what she should have done--approach the yelling fan or walk away?
In my opinion, this guy most likely wanted a confrontation. I advised the mom to walk as far away from him as she could. There are no benefits to getting into an argument with him.
If she did choose to argue with him, what good what it do?
- embarrass both children
- cause a scene
- get one or both parents kicked out of the game
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
High-Cost Summer Camps...
Yes, we are in the heart of summer camp season. Are any of you going broke or skipping a vacation this year to send your child to the best sports camp you can find? Why?
The prices of summer camps are sky rocketing. I think it's absolutely ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I truly believe camp experiences are important, but don't be tricked into believing that the best camps are the most expensive camps.
Here are a few tips to help you search for the "best" cost-efficient camps:
The prices of summer camps are sky rocketing. I think it's absolutely ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, I truly believe camp experiences are important, but don't be tricked into believing that the best camps are the most expensive camps.
Here are a few tips to help you search for the "best" cost-efficient camps:
- Check out local Colleges and Universities. Many college coaches run summer camps with the help of their athletes. Because they are affiliated with the schools, they tend to be less expensive than camp programs that are brought in from other areas.
- Check out local school systems, including your own system and other systems. High school coaches and their athletes are often great instructors. If you can't make it to a camp in your own school system, check out other schools. For example, if the school across town is known for their great baseball program, most likely your child will learn alot from that camp. Sometimes it's great for your child to get some coaching for a week with a different point of view than their regular coaching. Also, it's always beneficial for your child to play a sport with kids he doesn't know.
- Check out other local sports organizations. Your child might play on your local travel team, but that doesn't mean he has to do the local camp. Is there a pro team in your area? Are they running a camp? Often, retired or current pro athletes will run summer camps at reasonable costs to raise money for charities. Your child will learn skilled athletes, and you can feel good about the money going to a charity. You can't get more for your money than that!
Go ahead and send your child to camp, but don't feel guilty if you want to be economical about it. They'll still have a great experience!
Monday, April 30, 2007
Team Tryouts: The Mechanics of Your Child's Sports Team...
Your child is trying out for several teams. They know that there's one team they want to make. They tryout, and do not get picked for that team. They're devastated. You're devastated.
It is your job as parents to help your child through these devastations. And yes, they are devastations. When your child gets cut from a team, it's a terrible feeling for you and your child, but you can and should pick up the pieces and move on.
First, before your child even tries out, remind them that anyone can get cut, even the best player. Every time there are tryouts, a "team" is being formed. The coaches are not only looking for talented children, they are looking to create a total team. Many high-level teams consist of players who work well together, a balance of players for specific positions, players with potential for improvement, and many other factors.
We recently saw a child get cut from a team, and somehow they had the best attitude. The parents had prepared their child for the possibility of getting cut from the team. They told their child that even if he gets cut, it doesn't mean he wasn't good enough. You can't always guess why you didn't make the team. They encouraged him to try his hardest and to move on to his next choice if he didn't make the team. When he got cut, he was prepared to move on to another tryout.
Teach your children to move on to plan B. Always have a plan B. Find the positive in every situation. Your child will have more success in life by learning these important lessons and knowing that every team is looking for something different. They can always try out again next year!
It is your job as parents to help your child through these devastations. And yes, they are devastations. When your child gets cut from a team, it's a terrible feeling for you and your child, but you can and should pick up the pieces and move on.
First, before your child even tries out, remind them that anyone can get cut, even the best player. Every time there are tryouts, a "team" is being formed. The coaches are not only looking for talented children, they are looking to create a total team. Many high-level teams consist of players who work well together, a balance of players for specific positions, players with potential for improvement, and many other factors.
We recently saw a child get cut from a team, and somehow they had the best attitude. The parents had prepared their child for the possibility of getting cut from the team. They told their child that even if he gets cut, it doesn't mean he wasn't good enough. You can't always guess why you didn't make the team. They encouraged him to try his hardest and to move on to his next choice if he didn't make the team. When he got cut, he was prepared to move on to another tryout.
Teach your children to move on to plan B. Always have a plan B. Find the positive in every situation. Your child will have more success in life by learning these important lessons and knowing that every team is looking for something different. They can always try out again next year!
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